Dating as a Full-Time Working Professional

Most of my clients are full-time professionals. Because they're busy and dedicating a lot of their time and energy to their careers, their number one hesitation about dating — and their biggest frustration once they're dating — is time. They worry about getting dressed up and travelling to a date, only to realize within 30 minutes of meeting their date that they aren't the right fit. They worry about seeing someone for months, only to realize later that their partner lacks the key qualities they are looking for.

Here are my top three tips for dating effectively as a busy professional.

1. Be specific in your profile

A lot of people want to keep their profile broad because they worry that if they include specific details about themselves, some of those details may turn people off. But repelling people is actually a sign that your profile is working. You want to repel people who wouldn't be a good fit at the very early stages, so that you don't spend hours messaging them and eventually meeting up, only to discover they weren't right for you.

2. Use messaging to its full potential

Many people see messaging as a formality to get through on the way to the part where dating "really" starts — meeting up. But messaging is a crucial part of the dating process, and people who treat it that way use it to its full potential, saving themselves time down the road.

If all you're doing is asking "how was your weekend," you're not using it to its full potential, because that doesn't encourage them to share things about themselves that help you determine whether you're aligned. Ask questions that help you learn about what they value and what motivates them in life. Asking what they like about their work, or what they're excited about this year, are great ways to get at these things.

A lot of people wonder if this is too personal and better saved for in person. But that way of thinking is exactly what ends up wasting time. If you approach messaging as a crucial part of the dating process, there's no reason you shouldn't be asking these questions.

3. Do a screening call before you meet in person

A video call is an effective way to learn about your date and decide whether you're aligned enough to meet in person. What makes video calls so effective is that you can still get a good read on the person without having to get dressed up and travel. If you discover on the call that you aren't aligned, you can politely end it after 30 minutes, whereas in person it's a lot more challenging to leave a date quickly without offending your date.

For people who would much rather meet in person, treat your first in-person meeting like a screening date. Don't plan a well-executed museum outing. The problem with those kinds of activities for a first date is that you end up tied to a long interaction if the fit isn't there. Or, alternatively, you may convince yourself you like this person only because you were forced to spend so much time with them, and then realize months later that the fit was never actually there.

4. Get clear on your nice-to-haves versus deal-breakers

A lot of people mistake nice-to-haves as deal-breakers. For example, they think that having a car is a deal-breaker, when really, they just want to make sure their partner has a way of traveling to see them because quality time is important to them. For everything that you’re looking for in a partner, ask whether it’s really necessary, or whether there is something underlying it that you’re looking for instead. Getting clear on what your deal-breakers are can help you prevent spending months with someone only to find out later that you aren’t aligned.

You can't control other people’s behaviour — but intentional time is never wasted

While these strategies help you meet more aligned people more efficiently, there's no guarantee you won't waste some time. Maybe someone matched with you who probably shouldn't have, because they were distracted by a shared interest. Maybe they weren't transparent about their values on your screening call, and now you're two dates in. You can't control how other daters show up.

But you've never truly wasted time if you've been intentional along the way. Maybe you've gotten better at reading a profile to decide whether it's worth exploring. Maybe you've learned that you need to refine the way you ask questions to learn about someone's values. Or maybe you just got more practice chatting and asking questions on the apps. All of these experiences are valuable, and they make you a more intentional and discerning dater, leading you to the right person faster.